Page 33 - EMCAPP-Journal No. 11

trolled her. Rachel could now see the contrast could accept Christ’s words for her, it was ne-
between relating to her son and to herself and cessary to contrast her father’s voice with her
began to recognize the viciousness as ego-alien. voice to her son, and then hear Christ’s words
Rachel and I began to understand the meaning to her through me.
of “germs.” Her feeling of badness was so inten- Ridding herself of the bad was not the same as
se and annihilating that she needed to attach experiencing her desire and goodness. The lon-
it to something outside of herself—something ging for goodness burgeoned in Rachel who
she could potentially control. Her compulsion began to ask her husband to love her not just
to defend against the invasion of germs beca- because she had problems, but because she
me her defense against her repressed, terrifying was bright and witty and good. She returned to
sense of her own badness. Equally terrifying was church and was exhilarated when someone in-
the possibility of her badness, now symbolized advertently brushed her shoulder and she could
by the germs, hurting or destroying anyone else. say to herself, “You are OK. You can enjoy this
At times, I was swept into excitement for Rachel’s service and not get up and wash. You are safe.”
progress, when we celebrated her growth. So- Rachel discovered desire. She realized that she
metimes I was too pushy with her and flooded desired a home of her own. These were difficult
her with possibilities of freedom beyond her months as Rachel oscillated between letting go
capability, and she learned to tell me this. At and having the desire of her heart fulfilled. She
such times, I became the demeaning parent and pictured herself stepping out of an imaginary
I apologized to Rachel. Rachel was defended door of her fantasized home and walking into a
against awareness of anger with her parents. She field. With each passing week, she would walk
feared that a part of herself truly was destructi- further toward a field of wildflowers. During
ve. We came to understand her parents’ behavi- one appointment, Rachel exclaimed, “I was not
ors as aspects of their brokenness. Rachel could created so fragile. Where is the frontier? I want
then have both anger and compassion for them. to have the desires of my heart.” I shared with
She also achieved compassion for herself becau- her my image of her as a little girl twirling and
se she so desperately wanted to be connected to twirling and she replied that in fact, that very
the parents that inhabited her mind. week, she had “done that.”
Treatment is on-going for Rachel. She and her
Resurrection husband built a home - her home—the way she
As summer approached, Rachel experimented wanted it. She even oversaw the installation of
with removing her coat. It would be much la- their sewer! She attends church regularly and
ter when she removed her gloves. Being a very her germ avoidance has converted into her abi-
bright woman has aided Rachel’s therapy: She lity to clean and organize the church. Her pain
has utilized interpretations given in a spirit of as a child and anger at her mistreatment has
love and she has revealed with each new step fueled her love of working in the church nurse-
of freedom. A particular day stands out in her ry and caring for children. She can even gather
mind. During reverie in an appointment, I trash and enter medical facilities!
shared a thought with Rachel. After a particu- Not too long ago, Rachel pointed to her ankles
larly harsh attack upon herself, my grief while and explained that this was the height of her
listening prompted me to ask, “May I share with health when she entered this relationship with
you a thought I just had?” She said, “Yes. Of me. She gestured upward on her body and ex-
course.” I said, “I just had this sense that God plained that now she is “…growing and growing
was saying to you, “O, my child, if you only and pushing the badness out.” Rachel’s resili-
knew how much I love you.” She writes of this ence has been essential to her maturation, and
moment, “The turning point, when my heart our love for each other and the leading of the
looked up to the love of my Heavenly Father, Holy Spirit that is “pushing the badness out.”
and for the first time, could fathom the existence
of real healing. What is a miracle, but a work of
God---some just happen slowly.” Before Rachel

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